Shrinking Mom

Lyn at Escape from Obesity posted these questions and her answers on her blog the other day. I thought they were really good, thought-provoking questions so I thought I’d give them a shot myself. Here goes….

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?

I mostly like fast food and the greasier, the better. A double cheeseburger and large fry is my idea of heaven a lot of days. When I get sick of that, I turn to eating salty snacks at home - chips mostly. Once in a great while, I get sweet cravings and go for super bad stuff like donuts or Zingers or Twinkies.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?

Umm….during the school year, I’d say 9:00-10:00am and sometimes 1:00-2:00pm. And then sometimes I leave the house after the kids are in bed because “I need a break.” But the thing is, whenever I do that, I don’t just take a drive and listen to the radio. I always stop for fast food. (Yes, I know…)

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?

Honestly, in the moment, I’m feeling pleasure. Food is my drug of choice. It makes me happy and it’s always there for me.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?

Absolutely. It’s like moderation is not part of my vocabulary.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?

Lack of self-control and pure laziness. But I do have to wonder if genetics is also part of it. My mom is obese and a few of my family members are also overweight. Okay, so maybe it’s not genetics. Maybe it has more to do with bad habits that I’ve let become ingrained in me.

6. Do you ‘blame’ anyone for your weight?

No, I don’t. I’m the one who puts the food in my mouth.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?

My sedentary lifestyle certainly doesn’t help matters. And when I think about moving more, I just don’t wanna.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?

Nope.

9. Why did you choose that activity level?

Honestly, because I’m lazy.

10. What made you finally want to change?

I’m still working on this. I don’t “want” to change yet, but I know I NEED to change. There are just so many little areas in my life that are going poorly and I know that my excess weight has a lot to do with it. For example, I have been crying for the past 2 days. Literally. My husband keeps asking me what’s wrong and I tell him I don’t know. I’m just so depressed. I want to get away from my fat body and I can’t. I hate being around myself and I feel sorry for my family who is stuck with me. My husband, the nicest man on earth (seriously), just sticks right by me and encourages me. He doesn’t want anyone but me. I don’t know how that can be. That’s how low my opinion of myself is.

I truly can’t wait for the day that something clicks in my brain that makes me WANT to make a change! I keep hoping and searching. I keep daydreaming about my thinner body.

I wonder how many reading this are thinking, “Oh quit your whining and just do it already!”

And now for the shocker!

I just weighed myself out of curiosity and totally expected to see a gain. Instead, I’ve lost another 2.6 pounds. Without trying. Hmmm….wonder what’s going on? Or maybe the last time I weighed was before my “lady’s days” (according to Everybody Loves Raymond).

Tonight my husband is stuck working late (stinks since it’s Friday night!) so I took a break from my web design work to watch a little tv.  I love Friends and can easily watch rerun after rerun and not get sick of it.  There are only 3 shows that I love that much:  Friends, The Office, and Everybody Loves Raymond.  :)  Anyway, I chose to watch one of my recorded Friends (DVR).  The episode was the one where Rachel had her baby.  Now I know this is a fictional show, but sitting there tonight watching her have her baby and then watching as Ross was snapping photos of her and the baby afterwards, I started crying.  A lot.  If my husband were home he would have thought I had lost my mind.

I realized that I only have ONE picture of me with any of my newborns.  Somebody took a picture of me with my very first baby while I was sitting in the hospital bed.  That’s the only picture in existence that I know of where I’m holding my tiny infant.  That makes me so incredibly sad.  My other two babies were not able to be in the room with me (they were in the special care nursery), but there aren’t even any photos of me holding them in the nursery or once we got them home.

And you know what else?  I have no photos of me with my toddlers.  None of me with my preschoolers.  And now my kids are 7, 5, and 3.  There are no photos of me anywhere.  OMG what have I done???

Whenever someone wants to take a picture, I turn away.  I hide.  I leave the room.  I can’t stand myself and the way I look that much.  And now my kids will have no memories of their mom when they were little.  That makes me cry.

When will I get my act together??

(I’m not really looking for people to post comments….I know this is a downer post.  I just needed to say it and admit it.  I can’t talk about this with anyone in my life.)

Okay, I am totally claiming this morning’s weight instead of last night’s weight!  Silly how 2.2 lbs. makes me feel differently about things, but it does.   Happy girl here! 

Well, I haven’t done THAT in a long time!  My poor scale was just sitting there gathering dust for so long that I didn’t know its battery had died.  I realized it just this past week when I went to weigh myself in an effort to give myself a much needed wake-up call.  So, today I bought a new battery.

I fully expected to see myself in the 290’s.  But I’m happy to report that I’m right back where I was (I hadn’t strayed too far off the number…lol).   BUT, I weighed myself just now.  It’s 9:45 p.m. and I’ve eaten all day (well, not all day, but I’ve had my meals and a snack or two).  Usually I like to weigh myself first thing in the morning.  So, I’m wondering if I’m actually lower than this.  I shall find out in the morning!

Okay, I’m rambling and procrastinating.  I’m supposed to be working.  I guess I’ll go do that. 

Have a great evening!